Sin by Silence Blog

Voices of Violence: I Have A Purpose

Mar 27th, 2012 In: Voices of Violence By: admin Comments 0

VOICES OF VIOLENCE includes anonymous stories submitted by readers of the Sin by Silence Blog. Click here to submit your story!

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I believe that I have seen this film for a reason. I am a Domestic Violence SURVIVOR of over 20 years, and this is the first time in my 35 years of life I have put my story in the public. I met my ex-husband when I was 13. By 14 I was being hit, pushed, punched, the rape didn’t actually come until later in the relationship. I walked around with black eyes, bruises, homemade casts (because I was not allowed to go to the Dr.), limping, crying and the worst thing is NO ONE CARED, but yet EVERYONE KNEW.

I could have just as easily been one of these women in the Sin by Silence film. I congratulate them on their courage to stand up and scream from the top of their lungs. This film has helped me to FINALLY deal with the pain and horror that still, to this day, haunts my dreams. The abuse lasted for almost 5 years and we had 2 children within the “marriage.” The youngest born out of a rape from my “husband.” The children were born and the beatings became worse. He would get mad at the kids and give me a choice whether I wanted him to beat the children or beat me. Either way, someone was going to get it and I let him beat me of course. Just to get to me a little more he would even allow me to take the kids to their room so they would not see but yet they could hear him beating me. The psychological torment of that still hurts. I seriously felt like “the dead man walking.” I was never the one to just be hit, so I did fight back and ALWAYS stood my ground.

The details of everything, and being abused day after day for almost 5 years, could never fit in this little story. Even now the loneliness, the mental part of the relationship still gets to me. Sometimes I do believe that I am worthless, ugly, and not worth anyone’s love. I do have a great husband now, of 17 years, and although he has stood by my side through everything I honestly don’t think anyone could understand where or what I have been through.

The way my heart has been ripped out of my chest when my ex-husband kidnapped our younger son that we had together, when he was 2. My ex admitted to me several times that he took him and only him because he was easy to brainwash. My son is now 17 and I miss him everyday. No one would help me find him and when I found him on my own, with no support of the internet or any legal agency, he was already 6. I went after him with my current husbands support, only I had to let him go again. He wanted to go home with his “Dad.” I had horrible parents that played the tug-of-war game with me when I was that age and I was not about to do that to him. Out of my love for him I had to let him go AGAIN. I did get to visit with him just this last November for a few hours. When he got in the car to leave, I chased it down the driveway just to give him one last hug, because I have a feeling that is the last time I will ever see him again. With all of this I am the counselor of my friends and family. I am the one with the smile on my face through all the heartache of life. I am the one that has to stay strong.

I thank you for finally giving “US” a voice. I do realize that I have many things to be thankful for. I never take one second of life for granted and now I am grateful for the women in this film and the person’s who took the time to listen, film, and make this for all of us! THANK YOU!